Archive for January, 2014

Saved by the Bell Season 1, Episode 4: “Fatal Distraction”

Saved by the Bell Season 1, Episode 4: “Fatal Distraction”

Girl's ChoiceAh, lust is in the air at Bayside High as our opening shot establishes an upcoming “Girl’s Choice” dance. These things seem to show up in every show from this period, even though I don’t ever remember one actually happening outside the musical Hello, Dolly, but, according to the sitcom cliché handbook, they make for lots of wacky hijinks and misunderstandings, which means Saved by the Bell was going to try it sooner or later.

Zack arabAnd, look, it’s wacky racial insensitivity. An obvious white guy dressed up as a Middle Easterner is so hilarious! And it’s made even funnier by the horrible attempt to do a Middle Eastern accent that sounds more like a white guy doing an Indian accent. Oh, what will that wacky Saved by the Bell do next? Put a yamaka on a Christian and ridicule the Holocaust? read more

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Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episode 4: “Leaping to Conclusions”

Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episode 4: “Leaping to Conclusions”

In our cold opening, Miss Bliss is trying to teach a lesson on the Civil War but the movie she ordered came with…just the film. Then her map tears when she tries to pull it down. Where has she been buying her supplies from, Goodwill? Something tells me there’s a little thing called a return policy that could fix this entire pointless situation.
Bliss film

After the opening, Miss Bliss and Tina try to convince Mr. Belding to approve new supplies for them, but he’s a cheap shit and won’t even approve new paint for an art class, much less let Miss Bliss take her students across town to the statehouse. He apparently hasn’t approved any supplies for Miss Bliss in three years, which makes me think he’s using the money to buy hookers and blow. He tries to give Miss Bliss her mail but she leaves before he can and notices a letter from Trump Hill Academy which apparently recruited two of Mr. Belding’s teachers last year. He assumes they’re trying to get Miss Bliss and, because he needs a competent staff member around, he declares to the little green gremlin on his shoulder that they’re not getting Miss Bliss. read more

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Saved by the Bell Season 1, Episode 3: “The Gift”

Saved by the Bell Season 1, Episode 3: “The Gift”

Zack Morris’s monologue tells us that it’s mid-term time. Wait, didn’t they just get report cards last week? Whatever, this school has the most fucked up academic year I’ve ever seen. Anyway, Zack Morris tells us there’s one teacher whose midterms strikes fear into the heart of all students, and he yells it: “Terrible Testaverde.” Except I thought he said Terrible Testes at first. Seriously. Hey, it could have been a sex ed mid-term, and after the insane biology teacher last week, nothing surprises me. read more

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Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episode 3: “Wall Street”

Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episode 3: “Wall Street”

In our cold opening, Zack Morris tells Not-Slater that he broke his father’s $300 video camera while he was on his roof video taping some twin girls down the street. Zack Morris is trying to hit Not-Slater up for the money to buy his father a new camera, which Not-Slater very reasonably refuses. They’re in eighth grade. Why the hell would Zack Morris try to hit up an eighth grader for $300? I don’t think I had $300 of my own that my parents didn’t give me until I got a job well into high school! read more

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Saved by the Bell Season 1, Episode 2: “The Lisa Card”

Saved by the Bell Season 1, Episode 2: “The Lisa Card”

It’It’s report card day at Bayside High. Boy, this episode really drives home how out of order these episodes really are. Episode two and we’re getting report cards. By episode four, I’m expecting graduation. Zack Morris enters and tells us all about report card day in his monologue. Zack Report CardApparently Jessie got all A’s so her parents bought her flowers. Kelly got all B’s and her parents bought her ice cream. Aren’t these kids in high school? These seem like inane gifts to reward your kids with for good grades, even by Saved by the Bell standards. Lisa made the honor roll so her father gave her his credit card to go buy something nice for herself. Is this really a thing? When I was in retail, we were told to check the name and signature on the card and not allow someone to use it who appeared to not be the cardholder. I really think Lisa’s father could have a case against this store. After all, selling Lisa anything on her father’s card is stupid. read more

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