Archive for February, 2014

Saved by the Bell Season 1, Episode 8: “Cream for a Day”

Saved by the Bell Season 1, Episode 8: “Cream for a Day”

Bayside Homecoming

It’s football homecoming at Bayside High and advertisements are up everywhere for the election of the homecoming queen. What I’m curious about is why we never hear anything about homecoming king? That could create a great subplot but apparently the school doesn’t even give a damn about the king because there’s no mention in any of the banners and advertisements.

Zack Morris monologue hair

Anyway, Zack Morris tells us in his monologue…wait, what the hell is wrong with Zack Morris’s hair? It looks like it’s trying to get away from him! I know big hairstyles were in fashion in this time period but good god man! I’m finding so many distractions in these opening shots that I’m scarred I’ll never get to the episode itself! read more

Read more ›
Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episode 8: “The Boy Who Cried Rat”

Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episode 8: “The Boy Who Cried Rat”

Zack studying

In the cold opening, everyone is beside themselves that Zack Morris is studying. Apparently his father promised him a ski trip if he got a B on the History midterm. Skiing in the flat, fertile corn fields and cow pastures. There’s nothing like it! I mean, growing up in Indiana I could never wait for winter to come so I could go to Indianapolis and ski! It was what all kids growing up in Indiana looked forward to. We laughed in pompous arrogance at those to the south and east of us who had mountains because who needs mountains when you can just ski through John Deere’s pig farm. read more

Read more ›
Saved by the Bell Season 1, Episode 7: “The Substitute”

Saved by the Bell Season 1, Episode 7: “The Substitute”

Maintenance Note: If you tried to visit the site for much of yesterday, you’ll know that the site was down for an extended period. This was the fault of the webmaster, who inadvertently deleted all his files and had to do a restore (thank you VaultPress!). Luckily, everything was saved except for one comment by Mammoth. I’m so sorry Mammoth. Please don’t think I deleted your comment on purpose! Your comments are certainly appreciated!

Ah, the glamorized life of the substitute teacher! All kids want to be substitute teachers when they grow up because they know all the babes it will get them! There’s absolutely no crap that comes from substitute teaching, like kids who don’t respect you, faculty who look down on you, or sub-par pay grades. It’s all smooth sailing and poon, as this episode teaches us. Hell, I’m surprised this episode didn’t inspire a generation of kids to become substitute teachers! read more

Read more ›
Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episode 7: “Save the Last Dance for Me”

Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episode 7: “Save the Last Dance for Me”

In our cold opening, Not-Slater is wetting himself over the fact that he gets to tutor some girl named Shana in Math, because nothing gets me more in the mood for hot fucking than quadratic equations. He finds out she broke up with her boyfriend and, as soon as she’s out of sight, he starts doing jumping jacks in celebration.

Mikey jump

Miss Bliss’s voice over informs us that JFK hasn’t had an eighth grade dance in six years, apparently because two guys got into a fight and one broke the other’s nose. A law suit resulted that lead to the school paying for a nose job for the breakee. This makes absolutely no fucking sense. First of all, why would the school be liable for something two hormone-driven teenagers do in the heat of passion? And why would this lead to the school not holding a dance because of something that could happen at school any other time. read more

Read more ›
Saved by the Bell Season 1, Episode 6: “Aloha Slater”

Saved by the Bell Season 1, Episode 6: “Aloha Slater”

Zack 3rd place

Zack Morris enters The Max, apparently coming directly from a cross country meet without showering or changing or anything hygienic like that because the sweat molecules are helping maintain his hairstyle for this episode. And he’s pissing himself he’s so excited he got a third place ribbon because Kelly apparently has lowered her already low standards in order to accept third place losers and may finally put out for him. Kelly thinks the ribbon is just swell and gives him a friendly hug congratulating him, which is the closest Zack Morris has ever gotten to sex with Kelly and makes him think he’s finally going to reach her lady places later. Jessie is butt hurt because she’s jealous for some reason that Zack Morris actually succeeded at something since that’s her cliché, and Screech declares he once won fifth place in an ALF look-alike contest, which I’m sure he didn’t even need a costume for. Lately it seems like we’re on a kick of bringing back nostalgic nineties shows and, if they ever decide to bring ALF back, I think Dustin Diamond could still play a lovable furry alien who eats cats. read more

Read more ›