Bad News Blair. Episode 1×04

Once again, we’re treated to a rehash of Serena returning from the brothel without vibrating souvenirs and other events from the pilot. I’d think the CW is worried that people might forget exactly why Gossip Girl cares about Serena or something?

How long will the S&B truce last? I’ll give it to November sweeps.

Blair’s first dream! A Gossip Girl tradition! To the tune of “Moon River”, Blair dreams that she is   Audrey Hepburn’s Breakfast at Tiffany’s character and S. has taken her spot between the trashily (if trashily isn’t an actual word it should be) dressed Not Mean Girls.

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Eleanor Waldorf is back from Paris with an entirely different look! I barely recognized her. No longer going for the Tea Delgaldo from One Life to Live and General Hospital look, Eleanor has opted for a Margo from As The World Turns look. (Welcome recast and better cast Margaret Colin!)

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Eleanor tells Blair to opt for the low-fat yogurt instead of the croissant, as Blair obviously needs to lose weight. Insert eye roll, but this helps explain Blair, who has lost two pounds! Honestly, Blair needs to lose two pounds as much as Jenny Humphrey needs bangs (IE, not at all). Eleanor then praises Serena.

Nate and Chuck have plans for the weekend. Hope they remembered the condoms and lube and that drugs are illegal. Ohhhhh, it’s a “lost weekend” with paid hussies. I guess Chuck feels he has to resort to paying for them after being unable to score with Jenny.

Honestly, what teens dress like this?

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Well, this is sure to be a shitty episode:

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Sebastian Stan’s Carter Baizen enters, looking like “Matthew McConaughey between movies” (thanks, Chuck). Fun Fact: Before she met Adam Brody, Leighton was dating Sebastian for a while. The Schwartz universe is rather incestuous. I always had a thing for Sebastian. Don’t tell. I know it’s already all over Gossip Girl already. Who spilled the beans?

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Chuck is jealous.

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What fashionable UES girls wear shopping

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And Blair disappears, so S. conveniently runs into Dan and reminds him of their “plans to get together to not talk.” Serena isn’t used to inexperienced men, so she hopes he gets the subtle hint that she wants him to “expletive deleted expletive deleted expletive deleted” her until she can’t walk anymore.

Blair comes back, saying “that’s disgusting…do I smell pork? And cheese” when she sees Dan. I mention this now for when the later seasons forget things like this. She then leaves S. with her “charity work”. S. leaves, reminding Dan his promise to “get together and do that thing you did’t ask me to do.” Serena, he’s a Humphrey. Just say “Call me when you want to do things to me that the CW isn’t allowing me to explicity say!”

Carter has been cleaning up Katrina, volunteering on Machu Picchu, pretty much living the life Alex Supertramp would have enjoyed had he made it out of Alaska. He says “the real world is who you are, not what you own”, implying that the Upper East Side is not the Real World. What’s next, he explains that Serena once confused “Hop On Pop” as a guide to score a sugar daddy?

Chuck offers up twins, but Nate would whether stay with Carter, fueling Chuck’s jealousy. Will Carter split up the BFF who might be secret BF?

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Eleanor Waldorf, Fashion Designer:

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Maybe for Pantsuits R Us? Eleanor’s assistant and S. talk Eleanor and Blair into Blair being the new Face of Deception (strike!) Waldorf. At the slumber party

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S proves she knows about moving her hips when she shows Blair and Not Mean Girls how to model. Blair answers S.’s phone when Dan calls S. to “not talk” at a movie. Blair tries to hang up, but S. gets the phone. “Oooh, Alanis wrote a song about not talking in a theater!” She accepts.

I can’t stop talking about this horrible piece of art either, Rufus. Ok, yes I can. I want to block it from my mind. Rufus apparently runs an art gallery when not talking about his one-hit in the 90s. A buyer flirts with Rufus as they discuss a painting from Rufus’ wife. This storyline is boring as hell, so let’s just say that buyer invites Rufus out, Rufus mentions he’s married but she lives in Hudson, and save us all a few yawns now.

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Chuck has decided to see if he can get himself on People of Wal*Mart.

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Nate tries to stop a pissing contest between Chuck and Carter, mainly cause he’s not into water sports.

This is fashion:

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The photographer thinks Blair needs to have fun. I think it might be the “fashion” and not the model. S. then gives B. lessons on how to model like a tiger, Venus, Britney with an Umbrella, Brooklyn Transvestite Hooker…

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S. then stands Dan up to stay with Blair, making it the first time ever that S. hasn’t wanted to “not talk”. Dan, using a thesaurus, says “it’s no big deal” instead of “it’s fine.” I guess it isn’t fine that S. prefers hoes to bros.

Pics are worth 1000 words. (Purple offsets green).

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Chuck: Let’s go, you can think about your boyfriend inside.

It’s not just me then who sees it then. Nate wants to do an Alex Supertramp and live like Carter now and Chuck wants to blow money on women and drugs. Lovers’ quarrel.

2007 apps?

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Dan tells Rufus that he doesn’t know if S. is worth it as her BFF is Blair who is everything he hates about the Upper East Side and goes on a lengthy diatribe about how horrible Blair is. Again, documenting. He wonders what it says about Serena when her BFF is this mess. Rufus drops an anvil that he once dated a girl like Serena. Could it be Lily? Gee, I don’t know.

FYI, Dan spits, not swallows.

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S invites him to a fashion show! It’ll be a gay ole time!

Eleanor has to ask what the emergency is? I say her hair. Oh, no. I was wrong. Her coworkers say that they prefer S. to Blair as S. has “It” (it being chlamydia?)

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Eleanor agrees and goes with S. over her own daughter. And we thought Lily was a bad mom.

Blair: My modeling career is over faster than Jessica Simpson’s acting one. Zing.

Ohhhh, Lily was the buyer…I still couldn’t care less about this side story of rotton coleslaw Safran is serving.

Horrible Hair. I cannot deal.

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So what do the Irish think of a British Actor playing American wearing this hat?

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The days before Whatsapp

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#TeamBlair says it all with “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

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I lost the pool. B&S’s BFFriendship is already over. Sad face sad face teary eye sad face text.

“But I didn’t realize that I was doing the set alone! I thought you were just running late! Really S! Just like I thought Nate really had tripped and was just having a hard time getting it out of me!” And you wonder why blondes have such a bad rep. And then there’s Dan, lurking in the shadows listening again. I hate to say Lily was right in episode two, but Lily was right.

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S. quits the shoot.

Eleanor: Who are you? What are you doing here? Speaking for the fans.

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Caption this:

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S. explains to Dan that Eleanor had tricked her into coming and no one knew how to tell Blair that she wasn’t wanted.

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Blair: Normally I wouldn’t be this close to you without a tetanus shot.

Lonely Boy Dan Dan realizes that Upper East Side bitches are people too. Moral of the episode, as Safran starts spewing his Dair boner all over the show already. Dan explains that mommy ran away to Hudson to escape the Humphrey curse. #TeamHumphreyMom.

Poker episodes are Dullsville, even on the Upper East Side. Nate should do something interesting, like bet a night with Chuck or something. No such luck. Nate just bets his Archibald money…and he loses! Ooooh, it was a setup by Carter! The plot thickens along with that thing in Nate’s pants.

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Chuck shows up to save the day, saying if Nate can go with him, he won’t call the cops about Carter taking his baseball. Carter agrees, and Chuck and Nate go off into the night to braid each other’s hair.

To say thank you, Nate tries to buy Chuck an account at HardBritishGuysPlayingYanksWearingIrishHats4U but finds out his accounts are already maxed out. Nate, don’t worry. You’ll get wrinkles. $200,000 has disappeared in the last month. That’s why you don’t allow Candy Crush Saga access to your iTunes account.

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Nate calls to find out what’s up and finds out it was his FATHER playing futuristic apps on his Razr. The plot thickens, along with that thing in Chuck’s pants.

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Blair confronts Mommy Dearest, and Eleanor tries to Republican her way out of it. Blair calls BULLSHIT.

Gossip Girl: There comes a moment in every girl’s life when she realizes that her mother might just be more messed up than she is.

Dan brings S. fruit and sorry for being judgmental. Next, will Lily apologize for being a sanctimonious shrew? Will Nate apologize for not being able to spell “a”? Will the sky apologize for being blue?

Actual Dialogue:

S: How about you ask me out again?
Lonely Boy Dan: How about you actually show up?

CW: Let’s promote Josh Safran to executive producer when Josh Schwartz gets busy with Chuck, Hart of Dixie, The Carrie Diaries and playing Candy Crush Saga and starts treating Gossip Girl like an ugly redheaded stepchild!

Blair says Dan can’t wear the shoes (not shown) or that hair. What, is she actually asking for Dan Season 5 Hair? This is Dan’s only good haircut the entire series!

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S & B make up as Sean Kingston plays in the background. Awwwwwwwww.

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This just in. S & B committing a crime of fashion. Who doesn’t love a five-finger discount, especially if one of those fingers is the middle one? Everyone knows you can’t chose your family, but you can chose your friends. And in a world ruled by bloodlines and bank accounts, it pays to have a pal. As much as a BFF can make you go WTF, there’s no denying that we’d be a little less rich without them. And Serena and Blair? They do besties better than anyone. No, that’s not a tear in my eye. That’s just allergies (or the bad writing). Without you, I’m nothing. Gossip Girl
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BFF 4 LIFE!!111!111!

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