The New Class Season 1, Episode 9: “Good-bye Megan”

Silly me. When I saw the title for this episode, I assumed it would be a rip-off of “Aloha Slater.” How could I have been so naive? I should have known it would be a rip off of “Aloha Slater” AND “Pinned to the Mat” because, wouldn’t you know it, it’s career week at Bayside High!vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h02m30s191And, oh look, Vicki wants to be Lorena Bobbitt when she grows up!vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h02m48s120And Tommy D must be having a heart attack because Lindsay is listening to his heart and hearing it say words like, “I want to fuck your brains out!”vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h03m20s199Weasel loves the plumber’s booth because they’re giving away free toilets. Yeah, that makes complete sense.

But the important thing to remember this episode is that Megan wants to be a doctor.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h03m32s58Meanwhile, in plot B, Milton and Kirby are signing up to be assistant principals for the week, because it’s totally acceptable to pull two students out of classes for an entire week just to help you.

And disaster strikes when the police chief calls and says that he can’t be the career week speaker because he was bitten by McGruff the Crime Dog, who is a person in an oversized dog costume. Oh, I wish this was the episode where Screech came back so I could speculate on whether it was him in that suit or not! But what ever will they do? Oh, through the power of plot contrivance, turns out Megan’s father is a famous judge who’s never been mentioned on the show before so Mr. Belding guilts her into asking him to be the speaker.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h05m01s171In Megan’s room, the girls are dancing very poorly…for some reason. But don’t worry. That has absolutely nothing to do with anything else in this episode, no sarcasm intended.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h05m38s37And in walks Megan’s father, Judge Thurston Jones, complaining about the racket those damned kids are making even though the music wasn’t turned up very loud. I do have to give credit where credit is due, though. It’s kind of clever having Judge Jones played by Bianca Lawson’s real-life father, Richard Lawson. You might recognize Lawson as a recurring character on such shows as All My ChildrenDynasty, and Chicago Story. Not that the target demographic would have watched any of these shows, but it’s still a neat nod.

The girls are getting ready to go see a movie with Christian Slater in a bathing suit (which causes the audience to lose their shit…) but before Megan leaves, Judge Jones asks to talk to her. Judge Jones is pissed that Megan is only making straight As and wants her to invent a new grade even higher. To that end, he’s pressuring her to go to a private school called Willowbrook Academy. This is because Megan wants to go to Harvard and we all know that no one who goes to Harvard ever comes from public school. Why that’s just preposterous!vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h07m57s128The next day Megan’s pissed that no one wants to go to some career seminar with her because she finds it hard to believe not all teenagers obsess over their future careers. To that end, she has a fantasy sequence where she imagines everyone but her failing in life.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h08m08s6It’s twenty years down the road and Megan is a surgeon who wears scrubs to a class reunion because it’s her fantasy. Imagine, she probably had to rush over directly out of surgery and still has blood and tissue and ick all over her.

vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h08m25s176Tommy D is chief blimp inflator for Goodyear. Yeah…vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h08m39s58Lindsay is a waitress at The Max, married to Tommy D, and has become a Roseanne impersonator.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h08m57s203Scott is a pervy man-whore who wears short shorts and hangs out with bikini clad women at a hot tub all day.

vlcsnap-2014-05-25-19h26m03s146Weasel is on the Olympic video game team, because I guess you need…really big, obviously fake thumbs to play video games in a non-existent Olympic sport.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h09m45s206And Vicki is a crazy cat lady who watches soap operas all day. Now this is a transformation I can actually believe!

What a bitch! Megan is fantasizing that all of her friends will fail miserably while she succeeds, just because they didn’t want to attend a stupid career seminar!

Mr. Belding calls Megan to his office as Kirby and Milton come around the corner giving Scott and Tommy D detention for not being in class. The only purpose of this scene seems to be to set up a plan for Scott and Tommy D to become the new assistant principals so they can get late passes.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h11m30s222In Mr. Belding’s office, Judge Jones shows up to tell Megan that she’s been accepted to Willowbrook Academy, because private schools always make such decisions in only a day.

The next day the gang is bemoaning Megan’s departure in two weeks (because it’s quite common to transfer in the middle of a semester apparently) as Milton and Kirby catch the gang out of class. Tommy D engages in some terroristic threatening to get them to quit, and it works like a charm. Charm is something not a one of these characters possess, though.

vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h13m05s128At The Max, Stephanie and Tracy, two students from Willowbrook, are talking to Megan about what it will be like there. The writers are trying to play these two characters off as Professor von Snickity Bitch and Mrs. Stickupherass, but they really just come off as mildly snobbish. When Lindsay, Vicki, and Weasel come in and meet them, they instantly don’t like the two because they’re mildly rude and call Weasel, “Hamster.” Haha I wish that was his name.

So, because the three don’t like these two girls, they instantly become convinced that Megan will be miserable at Willowbrook because Stephanie and Tracy are the only two students at this school. But they don’t want to ruin this opportunity for Megan so they decide to play it off as if they’re happy for her. And it’s not like Megan can just come hang out with her friends at The Max once she’s in a new school. After all, there’s a ban on students from other schools there. Well, except for all the students from other schools we’ve seen there.

Meanwhile, Mr. Belding appoints Scott and Tommy D the new assistant principals, but, instead of hallway monitor duty, he gives them trophy polishing duty, which includes the 1968 state yodeling championship trophy, which was earned by Mr. Belding and one Otto Huntmeyer. Force plot points in much? After all, this was the period when Mr. Belding was supposedly a rock music rebel.

vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h16m53s132The gang decide to throw a good-bye party for Megan at The Max as we enter “Aloha Slater” territory, and they were kind enough to invite all the nameless extras.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h17m03s233Why, good-bye, random nameless girl, I’ll miss you most of all.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h17m13s81

And Kirby tries to sexually harass Megan by request a big sloppy kiss, saying he’ll miss being rejected by her. vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h17m35s36Meat is so broken up over the whole thing he can barely eat his meat. Lindsay and Vicki get her a sweater.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h18m28s67But, best of all, The Max has decided to dedicate a new sandwich in Megan’s honor, the Megan Mega-Monster Meatball Sub. First of all, how the hell does that have anything to do with Megan. Second, who, besides Meat, could possibly eat that entire sandwich? And how much would it cost?

The gang break down and reveal they don’t really want Megan to go because they’ll never see her again despite the fact that she’s not moving, and Tommy D even threatens to assault her if she leaves, which is kind of disturbing. Megan then breaks down and reveals she doesn’t really want to leave but Judge Jones has his heart set on it. And that could only mean one thing: time for a horrible Scott Erickson plan to change the judge’s mind.

At Bayside, Scott and Tommy D have tracked down Otto, Mr. Belding’s old yodeling partner, and arranged for a reunion in the middle of the school day because administrators can apparently take off randomly like that. Mr. Belding is worried about who will give Judge Jones a tour and they assure him that, as assistant principals, they will do it.

Really? This is the pay off of the stupid B-plot? It was all to accommodate a Scott Erickson plan? I want to reach through the screen and slap them all.

vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h20m58s19So the first part of the plan is for Scott and Tommy D to wear uniforms despite the fact that no one else in the school is wearing school uniforms.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h21m13s168And for Scott to talk in a really horrible posh sounding accent and brag about fake accomplishments that make Bayside better than Willowbrook.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h22m17s44This includes Vicki coming in and declaring that the Bayside polo team beat the Willowbrook team because I’m sure Judge Jones has completely forgotten that he knows Vicki.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h22m44s67And Lindsay announces fake clubs, such as the “Investment Banker’s Club” and the “Future United States Presidents.” Yeah, this doesn’t seem staged at all.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h23m08s39But the worst is yet to come. Hello, casual racism, our old friend. See, Weasel has become an Indian foreign exchange student and immediately starts talking like Apu from The Simpsons if Apu had a sinus cold. And this is totally believable because there are lots of short white guys in India.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h24m05s104

And I don’t know which is worse: Weasel’s casual racism or Mr. Belding in lederhosen. Turns out The Max kicked him out for yodeling in the middle of their restaurant which, given the things we’ve witnessed there in the past, should not come as much of a surprise. Judge Jones starts recapping all the fake achievements Scott and Tommy D have been regaling him with and the gig is up.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h24m56s105They finally confess that the whole thing was an act and Judge Jones is all, “No shit, dumb ass!” He says he saw through it from the beginning but wanted to see how far they would take it. You know, Judge Jones may have just instantly become my favorite character on this show so far. He sees through the gang’s bullshit and he’s not afraid to berate them. Plus he’s played by a semi-successful actor.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h26m00s232Judge Jones gives his speech to some assembled extras about how the facts alone aren’t always enough and sometimes you have to follow your heart. He says whatever career they choose, they will need honesty, determination, and the support of good friends, which means Megan is staying both because the season isn’t over yet and because she can’t possibly be friends with the people at Bayside if she’s going to another school. Everyone’s ecstatic that Megan’s staying and Judge Jones wraps up his speech by saying he’ll see them all again in three years when Megan graduates. I hate to break it to you, Judge Jones, but no, no you won’t.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h27m00s61

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